Today is our second anniversary. Now that I am a wise, old married woman with some years under her belt, I decided to compose a list of all the things I’d tell myself if I could go back to the very beginning of John and my relationship. Here are seven lessons and tips for Early Emily to consider before she becomes Emily Enger.
#7 Be game and go along with his crazy ideas, even when you don’t want to. Think of it as a bank deposit in the account of “John Gets His Way.” The more money you store in the account, the more can be withdrawn at a later date. He’s not the account’s owner, though. Think of him as a government auditor – it takes a series of suspiciously large withdrawals before the account crosses his radar.
#6 Truth is not subjective; it is fact. This is great news. It means that even if he won’t acknowledge it, you’re still right. The need for validation is pride. Pride has no place in marriage. Truth does. Put simpler: You always win. If he fails to verbally state that, don’t waste time fighting for a confession. You still won.
#5 Advice taken from romantic comedies does not come with a guarantee. The “it’s my time of the month” lie doesn’t work if the man has even a modicum of intelligence. Your husband will graduate summa cum laude from a Liberal Arts University after attending for only two years. Don’t bother trying.
#4 Consider finding someone less intellectual before you get any more attached. Smart guys are hard and take a lot of work. It’s like being trapped in philosophy class your entire life — only worse, because there’s no nerdy classmate around to support your opinions and restate them in a more concise and educated way. Consider yourself forewarned. Though not your finest moment, there will come a time when you will consider an extramarital affair with Ole from the “Ole and Lena” jokes.
#3 He has a short memory. Seriously. It’s worse than some of the dementia patients you’re currently working with. He’ll be annoyed when you remind him of everything four times, but go ahead and nag anyway. Of course you will try biting your tongue, but only bad things come from your silence. Your car returns from the garage with only half the problems fixed and the bed sheets never make it into the laundry. And then you two end up fighting about that. So if he’s going to be mad in all scenarios, you might as well pick one in which stuff gets accomplished.
#2 When Enger men speak, wild-haired archangels carve their words into sunken caves using bloody, Bible-red ink. Centuries from now, archaeologists will discover these treasured tablets and a fourth major world religion will begin. Living among gods can be hard, but the golden goblets and flowing rivers of wine are nice, even if you’re sometimes drinking Kool-Aid. Luckily, you do have a loophole — to be used sparingly, when at your most dire: When he doubts you, simply say, “But this is what [insert his father or brother’s name here] told me …” This is a benefit of marrying the baby of the family. Just don’t say you talked to either family member on Facebook, because then he will quickly call your bluff.
#1 Don’t worry. You’ve always had sharp instincts; they don’t fail you here, either. He’s the right one. And he’s a good man. The character traits you notice now are only going to mature and ripen. Even his dubious qualities — the ones that have question marks floating around your belly like a badly illustrated episode of “The Magic School Bus” — are symptoms of good things. They point to a man who is legitimate and unafraid of honesty, who will not be fooled and who steers his ship straight.
Happy Anniversary, My Love.
